He’s just not that into you… sorry I meant me!

09e0cf1fd67466348ad6aabb232e935cBonjour Mes Cheries,

It’s crazy how long it takes for your mind, body and soul to accept that someone doesn’t want you.

That they don’t love you like you want them to, they don’t want to fight to make it work, that they’re just not that into you.

Where does this extremely dramatic and self-pitying sentiment come from you asked, well I’ll tell ya!

Two days ago I was texting my baby daddy lool joke no baby he’s just the man of my dreams and the conversation went like this

Me: “Babe you failed the test”

Hercules: “What test?”

Me: “You haven’t missed me”

Hercules: “Yes I have but you haven’t shown me that you miss me”

Then a quick spot of very raw sexting occurred but I won’t bore you with the details #cheeky

Me:  “But I want a lot more than that” ( I said no longer content with being a casual plaything)

Hercules: “Well I’m not going to marry you

Me: “How do you know that’s what I want?”

Hercules: “Well we both know you want me emotionally as well”

I mean bloody hell talk about being blind-sided, but anyway what is it they say?

All is fair in love and war!

N xx


The Bitch is Back.

images (2)

Bonjour Mes Cheries,

Its been so long I’m ashamed!! I feel like it’s been forever and a day since we last spoke but the bitch is finally back!

Well here’s a quick recap over the past 2 years I’ve had countless petit amis all of whom have had little impact on my life in a positive way. Each time the excitement fades and is replaced by disappointment I tell myself that I’m not that into them when in fact its a he’s really not that into you situation!

I treat the men in my life like little projects, I have my hypothesis of what they’re going to do to me and I experiment with them. Some may say this is heartless but please tell me how else can I protect my heart from being crushed??

But clearly this approach doesn’t work with them, its almost as if I give them a licence to screw me over and I’m sick and tired of that shit happening.

So maybe I need to change the game up a bit, I’m ready to be the Queen in the new deck of cards life has thrown my way.

Its 2015 and I’ve reached the ripe old age of 21! What mischief could I possibly get up to now?

N xx

Like a Beached Whale

download (5)Bonjour Mes Cheries,

So after the whole shit hitting the fan saga I decided that I had officially had enough, enough of being sad and more than enough of pitying myself. After a small yet well needed break from the social scene I took time to reinvent my personality back to its wonderful originally happy self.

A week later I had the most amazing night out, I felt so good in my own skin, I was successfully getting over my grief and  I was so relaxed that I exuded pure joy. From the attention I received that night it was plain for all to see that I was slowly but surely getting back to my optimum condition. I had such a blast I thought I was bloody ABBAs dancing queen, I had guys buying me drinks left right and centre, I truly felt like a Queen. For those of you that read my posts you will know that it being me, of course I couldn’t have a drama free night, any guesses for who was to ruin this night? Yeah you got it right…it was  Bobby.

Not content with the fact that he had reduced me to tears in public a mere two weeks prior to this, he had to show up yet again. I had been dancing with a group of boys who just so happened to be his friends as he looked on(this was genuinely completely unintentional hahaha), he then proceeded to wrap his arms around me and dance on me as a juvenile territorial display that I was his and was off limits to all other eligible bachelors. I was so unimpressed that I immediately stood still and said ‘Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you not have anything you would like to say to me?’ and with a coy smile on his face he said ‘I’m sorry’ and tried to then kiss me as if I was a mug (that means fool in England ha ha) and that I would just accept that pathetic attempt to apologise. I walked away from him as quickly as I could without falling on the floor as I had had quite a bit to drink at this point- Remember ladies you must be always classy and never nasty no matter what state you’re in!

The beast returned to me and was clearly frustrated because all his friends were watching him fail miserably at wooing a girl he had already claimed to be his. Being the Alpha male type that he is, he tried his luck once more, it was so unfeeling and so obviously lust fuelled that as much as I admit that I’m still incredibly attracted to him, I just didn’t want him that night, fact is that I deserve better.

I removed myself from his company and continued enchanting all the other males out that night, I found it highly amusing, they found it highly enjoyable and poor poor Bobby found it highly disturbing. So much so that nearing the end of the night at around 3am he texted me that we needed to talk so I waited for him where he had asked me to, because I thought let me hear him out if he’s changed and wants to marry me I’m game ha haa no I joke, I was just curious as to what he had to say.

Anyway we weren’t able to talk that night because there were too many distractions so the next day he came over to see me in the evening, we actually talked and played around, we discussed our feelings and he pissed me off so much by saying that there was no point in him having a relationship with me at Uni because he is probably going to marry a girl he met in secondary school. He didn’t stop there though did he, he then continued on to ask me how many guys I had slept with to which I replied truthfully he said that I was a liar and that he knows for a fact that I had  been with more guys. When I flipped the question on him he claimed to not remember how many girls he had slept with, such cowardly antics if you ask me!

After that lively discussion he dived onto my bed and fell asleep for THREE AND A HALF HOURS!! I had tried at several points to wake him up but he was out like a light, the events of the night before had clearly drained him both emotionally and physically. I had to lock my door to stop my friends from playing pranks on him. In the end we had a little argument as he finally woke up at 11:30 pm and told me off for not getting him up earlier because he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. I exclaimed that I hadn’t invited him over to sleep Like a Beached Whale on my bed and in any case I wasn’t his mother nor was I his alarm so he should accept the responsibility for his own behaviour.

His visit made for a very funny story with all my friends who thought that it was some romantic encounter, when the cold hard truth of it was that the boy I actually have feelings for had me all to himself in the privacy of my locked room… and fell into a coma!

Never Again!!

N xx

The Shit has hit the Fan

download (4)Bonjour Mes Cheries,

In the space of just a few days the lives of my friends and I went from sweet to sour, my best friend Leila, who is a beautiful model was dating this guy called Tristan. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man, charming and thoughtful, he would go above and beyond for her by singing to her and making her romantic meals. It just so happened that he was best friends with Bobby, so I would always receive the inside track on what was going on in his life. You like me must have thought that every thing was going really really well, well apparently not! He sent her a random text message on a Tuesday night saying that he no longer wanted to see her as he didn’t have any ‘time’.

For any guys reading this post, TIME is a BULLSHIT EXCUSE TO END A RELATIONSHIP!! If you really wanted to make it work and have that wonderful person in your life you would do anything in your power to make time, Leila bless her was absolutely devastated and he didn’t even have the guts to talk to her about their relationship face to face, Tristan really let us all down.

Then a mere day later we all went out because it was one of our friends birthdays, I’m not going to lie to you I was looking reem that night (meaning hot for those who don’t know Essex slang), and you’ll never guess who came up to me to moan about my recent lack of interest in him… yes it was Bobby. He said to me that he didn’t understand why I never spoke to him any more, and I replied that he could just have easily reached out to me instead of complaining from a distance, he then proceeded to send me a text message telling me that he loved me, to which I replied that he didn’t.

Within the blink of an eye he whisked me into his arms and gave me the most passionate kiss I’ve ever had, it was as if time stood still and it was just me and him in complete harmony. Only I came crashing back down to the reality of the fact that we were in the middle of the dance floor in a club and so I pulled away, much to his discontent. I always do this thing where I pretend that I don’t have any feelings for guys that I actually do to my friends, so that if they screw me over I don’t end up looking like a numpty for putting my trust into them, so in order to keep my self respect in tact I sloped off back to my friends grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat and didn’t mention a word of it to them.

As the night progressed we all moved to a different room in the club and much to my joy Bobby came and found me and we were kissing each other so intensely that I forgot about my reputation within my friendship group to find them all looking at me entwined with Bobby  with bemused facial expressions.

Everything was going so well, but yet again drama had to make a little appearance, after awhile Bobby suggested that he came home with me, and I said no because I was never just going to sleep with him like all those other cheap girls he’s used to. With this refusal came a full blown argument between us, which to me just confirmed that he only wanted to sleep with me and not get to know me as a person. This revelation, and the fact that later that day was to be the funeral of my uncle who died recently caused me to flee to the toilet in floods of tears as I just suddenly felt overcome with grief and emotion and felt pathetic for even thinking about Bobby’s opinion of me when there are more important things in life.

I eventually put myself together just to leave the club and he just so happened to be at the exit, as I was walking past him and ignoring him he got angry with me and said  that he didn’t understand why I was upset with him, as I was trying to reason with him my friend Leila jumped in to save me and said ‘N it’s not even worth it’ to which I agreed. Only Bobby didn’t seem to agree with Leila and started hurling abuse at her because she was the bitch who supposedly hurt his best friend Tristan when it was the completely opposite way around. This left me in pieces and Leila also broke down, little did we know that the turbulent night wasn’t over yet.

After we got home I was met by my other friend Eden who had foolishly lost her virginity to the social sec of our hall Ryan Shmidt, who by all accounts thinks that he is Hugh Hefner’s apprentice a few weeks earlier. Only she had been made to think that they were in a relationship and were trying to make things work, as he would tell her that she was ‘unlike any other girl he’d met’ and that she was ‘worth changing for’. Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe that people change, but that’s only when you give them a reason to change, she slept with him for the first time after just two weeks of seeing him on nights out when they were both incredibly drunk, that doesn’t exactly scream ‘I’m relationship material’ now does it?

On that same night that Leila and I had been confronted with the bullshit offered to us by boys, Eden found out that actions truly do speak louder than words. Ryan told her to stay away from him that night and she watched him as he danced the night away with a mutual friend of ours Kelly and go home with her for the night.

As you can imagine there were three girls all crying their eyes out that night, Leila saying FUCK Tristan, Eden saying FUCK Ryan and me saying FUCK Bobby He can suck on my camel toe!!! So as we were all having a good male bashing session at 4 am, my other friend Caroline came strolling into the kitchen after her successful night out with a random black guy. This guy was soo queer it was unreal!! He was a chemistry student and used incredibly gay phrases e.g. instead of ask Caroline for a glass of water he said, and I quote ‘Can I have some of that H2O as well please’ He then continued to provide some light comic relief from our plights by telling me that he knew how I felt to have lost a loved one.

How did he know? I hear you all ask… his nan got taken to hospital for a week with Bronchitis and that apparently made him an expert on dealing with grief!!!!

I’ve never been so close  to physically hurting someone before in my life, all he had to do was say he was sorry for my loss but NOOOOOO he had to talk about his grandma for 25 minutes while I sat there silently with flames in my eyes and steam rising from my head!!

That night will forever go down in history as one of the most ridiculous EVER!!

Its safe to say that the shit has hit the fan!!

N xx

La Dolce Vita AKA The Sweet Life

CUPCAKEBonjour Mes Cheries,

Believe me when I say this, I don’t mean to sound cocky or conceited but right now I am living La Dolce Vita AKA The Sweet Life! For a very long time I actually feel at peace with myself and everyone within the world! I’ll give you a run-down of the current events that have led to my enhanced sense of contentment and well-being.

As a mentally renewed single lady after my Boytox I hit the town hard looking H-O-T-T (Even if I do say so myself haa haa), I had an amazing night and felt so liberated and relaxed. I got a real boost when Bobby came behind me and groped my bum and I didn’t react by turning around to hug him and flirt with him as I would have done previously, when he has done nothing to deserve my attention. He got PIED!!! and I felt like singing ‘ I got the power!!’

Blake and I are back to being STRICTLY FRIENDS, only wait… apparently friends are still allowed to get with each other. I had been feeling increasingly lonely in my own bed and had been suffering from a severe bout of homesickness, being back to Uni and all after a month of family comforts. Blake noticing my discomfort thought it would be a great idea for us to spend some time together so on Wednesday we stayed up till 8am talking about life. It was all so lovely until he decided that he’d had enough of me “pretending to be a good girl again” and tried it on with me. You will be pleasantly surprised to know that I resisted the temptation after an extreme amount of coaxing much to his amusement.

After a week of seeing Damian in lectures everyday and the only interaction we had being him saying the two letter word which even birds can say-HI, we finally called a truce. He called me out of the blue and asked me to help him with some new business venture without even asking how everything had been with me after 6 weeks of Nil Communication– You can imagine that I was suitably pissed off with his request.

So we accidentally met up the next day when he caught me on campus, he was his usual jovial self so I played the part of the unloved wife, he claimed that he loved me ( Calm down we’re not getting married, it was said casually between friends) to which I replied that he didn’t and laid down the laws on why our friendship was in ruins. Hating confrontation he buttered me up by saying all the right things and I couldn’t stay mad at him so we made up. But you better BELIEVE that he knows that he’s on strike 3 with me!

Ooh and before I forget, after Drake’s up for a bang offer went south things had been INCREDIBLY awkward between us and whenever we were together we had sunk into silence and both ended up lost in the friction of life haa haa. But last night there was a breakthrough, he approached me and talked to me the whole time during pre-drinks  and at the after party we were happily engaging with each other, so much so that I might possibly have just a teeny-weeny soft spot for him now ( As the Americans with lower levels of education would say ” Who would have thunk it?”-Only partial offence intended, get a Fucking dictionary!!)

The icing on the cake is that I have also started going to the gym and am following a balanced diet to maintain a healthy lifestyle, everything is falling into place as I’m just doing me!


N xx

Qualities Wanted: The Hit list

kidsBonjour Mes Cheries,

I  officially terminated my Boytox as of Wednesday night, I tried to hold off for longer but the world of alcohol inspired partying took over,  and I had to say Auf Wiedersehen to my attempts of ignoring the male species. In the time I had to myself I found that I was able to reign in my thoughts and explore what I really wanted in a man, so as not to waste any more time with the many dick heads surrounding me. I therefore present you with the Qualities Wanted: The Hit list!

Some of you may say that I am both shallow and superficial but I say that if you are going to spend a considerable amount of precious, precious time with someone that you will never be able to get back the person has got to be pleasing to look at. So through this reasoning I naturally require a sexy beast of a manYou’ve probably gathered I’m incredibly attracted to very muscular and buff men that make me feel safe in their arms, and excited when I stroke their biceps ( hmm.. delicious).

A guy with a good sense of humour is a must, being English I typically prefer sarcasm and wit over slapstick humour. I find it more engaging when I have to decode euphemisms or innuendos, especially as it usually paves the way for flirting to develop. Then flirting leads to touching, then touching leads to feeling, then feeling leads to you know what, please bear in mind that I’m not a slaggy Lindsey so for me it just leads to getting to know the man on a more intimate and friendly level.

Although times have changed, and the role of women has increased greatly (thank God!), I for one still believe in the chivalry of men. I love it when a guy opens a door for me, or pulls out a seat for me or gives me their coat when I am foolishly dressed inappropriately and freezing cold.  Yes it does sound very clichéd but it’s not a myth! There is a dying breed of men out there that still know how to take care of women well.  I love being pampered and knowing that I will never have a care in the world because my partner will take care of it all, that to me is why being with a true gentleman is a necessity.

Coming from a background where my parents have been divorced for the majority of my life, I am a strong advocate for having a relationship with someone who you consider to be a friend. A man who can be honest with you and tell you the truth even when denial has bewitched you, who you can trust and always rely on for support . When you feel at ease in their company, there’s no need to put on any airs or graces as they love the real you, and see the beauty on the inside as well as on the outside.

Having said that I still fail to understand why some women give up on maintaining a good appearance once they settle down into a relationship because ‘their partner knows them inside out and doesn’t want them for their looks’. When we all know that it’s just a bullshit excuse to engage in sloppy behaviour, as Helena Rubinstein once said ‘there are no ugly women, only lazy ones

I digress haa haaa ,all I’m saying is why I haven’t found the man of my dreams yet I don’t know,

Will I find the man of my dreams?

Yeahhhh Buddy!!

N xx


A Successful Boytox

imagesBonjour Mes Cheries,

I recently embarked on a journey to self discovery… haa haa  no I didn’t , I just decided that in the month of Easter holiday I had I would cleanse myself by carrying out A Successful Boytox.

According to Urban dictionary  a Boytox is when a woman gives up dating / cavorting with the opposite sex for a temporary period in an attempt to enhance her overall well-being, including her mental health and her physical appearance. As a result, she may glow or look younger from lack of frowning and crying as if she had a Botox injection.

From reading my posts so far, you can probably tell that I have been seriously stressed out by the men in my life as of late, so I thought why not go on a diet where I abstain from any interaction with any guy that I have been romantically involved with? This was a lot easier said than done.

I believe that everything in life should be done in moderation (most of the time ;)),so  I didn’t go the extreme route and delete their mobile numbers or defriend them on facebook or unfollow them on instagram.  NO NO NO, I took the more painful approach and chose to ignore any sign of their existance even when they were staring me in the face on my news feeds.

Oh the heartache of not being able to reach out and just text Damian was TRULY EXTREME, we used to be so close, we would speak everyday and we both cared about each other deeply, but ho hum pigs bum he chose to be a fool and not confront the issues that we face. So I thought that resisting the urge to reach out to him was a neccesary evil, it taught me the art of complete self control and I hope it will make him realise that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Not communicating with the other guys was actually bearable, I thought that I would struggle to complete it and give in but I decided to be strong, and the fact that they didn’t contact me was great (there is genuinely no sarcasm intended here haa haa ). I always knew that when guys who naturally exhibit dickish behaviour believe that they are the centre of your universe they generally tend to take the piss because your disposable to them but they know that they’re indispensable to you. So it is no surprise that when I don’t do the grafting they can’t be bothered to maintain a friendly relationship with me, well they’ve got something coming to them because the New Game Plan dictates that I will no longer be treated like the gum underneath their shoes!!

So as my Boytox was drawing to an end last week who do I receive a text from out of the blue… Jay, the same guy that  said when I didn’t want a relationship with him and I quote ‘I ain’t gonna chat shit, I don’t want to be your friend’ and afterwards cut off all communication with me decides that I’m suddenly worthy of speaking to. I try to forgive and forget so I answered his messages but in a very brief and succinct way, he can go and kick rocks as far as I’m concerned. Don’t some guys ever think that a friendship could develop into something more??? Apparently NOT.

As if that wasn’t enough, on the very same day I was going around London minding my own business and who decides to get on my bus in an extremely random location… Badboy Bobby!! I was so horrified to see his face that I used the usual pretending to text on my phone technique (only I was actually texting my girlfriends saying ‘SOS Bobby is getting on my bus WTF do I do???’ whilst hyperventilating’, which I must say worked a treat as he didn’t approach me.

Three and a half weeks into my Boytox and both Jay and Bobby cross my path, is this a sign?

Nahh I just think it was a sick coincidence haa haa,

N xx

The New Game Plan

game planBonjour Mes Cheries,

Having read my Love Autopsy post I can forgive you for possibly thinking that I’m a bit of a floosy, but I can assure you that is definitely NOT the case. I just seem to have the unfortunate knack for attracting men who are not on my wave length, but from this day forward I vow to change my ways, ladies and gentlemen it is time for… The New Game Plan.

I will focus on enjoying myself and learning to grow as an individual– I believe that relationships fail when you depend on someone else to ‘complete you’. You should be whole within yourself so that your happiness is not founded on someone external but is internal, this should strengthen you and enable you to get over the storms that life throws your way after all shit happens!

Instead of entertaining the general male public to keep boredom at bay I shall choose a select few men to lavish my attention upon. I have often been categorised as a ‘cock-tease’ as my easy ability to flirt with men of all shapes and sizes, some that I am attracted to and others that I am not is often misinterpreted, What can I say? It just so happens that I end up being very popular with lots of random men (oopsy daisy haa haa);)

I will endeavour to be honest at all times and not compromise my principals. My ‘go with the flow’ attitude has often lead a lot of guys to think of me as a ‘readily available companion’ well… ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I refuse to be someone’s doormat, I am a high value woman, I shall demand that I am treated as so or I will just cut my losses and revel in the joys of bachelorettehood (I sound like I’m preaching haa haa ) . But seriously,  I would rather be happy on my own than be with a man who fails to acknowledge my worth.

The new N will be utterly resilient and  happy at all times. I have recently been feeling like there’s a heavy shadow following me on nights out which has been getting my mood down. I constantly feel as though the boys I’ve been with in the past cock-block the guys I could potentially be with by spreading stories about me that are rooted in jealousy. Sometimes I genuinely believe that the boys I am exposed to have vaginas and are actually girls that suffer from extremely low self-esteem, and severe PMS!!

I will give more boys a chance even if the don’t meet my standards at first glance. Standards are set for a reason hence why I point blank reject the notion of lowering ones standards , however I have learnt the truth in the statement ‘never judge a book by its cover’. I often get treated like I am video vixen as I am a curvy girl with a big bum, so much so that its a nickname that has been ever so kindly bestowed upon me by Sasha my best friend. The majority of men I come across just grope me and objectify me without ever stopping to think, she’s really lovely to look at but I wonder what she’s like as a person. I’m used to it but it really pisses me off when a guy I really fancy asks me ‘if I just want to go home and have sex?’, I mean: HELLO!! I had a brain before my big booty!!

A new semester is about to start, Its out with the old and in with the new!!

I’m back in business baby!!

N xx

The 12 Shot Challenge

vodka 2Bonjour Mes Cheries,

I often look back at my life and wonder how so many moments of madness have managed to occur in such a short space of time, my most recent and most horrifically humiliating to date was when I took on The 12 shot challenge. For you to truly appreciate the depths of my folly I thought it was only right that I share it with you.

A two month period of solitary revision was coming to an end as my January exams had just drawn to a close, I had been feeling an ache in my loins (which some may also refer to as a need) to go out and show the world that N was indeed back in action. Refreshers week kicked off and everyone except me had been expressing themselves as temporary alcohol deprivation reared its ugly head and took its toll, whereas I had decided that Wednesday would be the best day for me to showcase my stupidity.

After witnessing my friend Ricky a 6 ft 3 Rugby boy take a battering at the hands of 12 shots of  concentrated vodka sans mixer on Tuesday, me being the cocky 5 ft 5 cunt that I am decided to take on the challenge on Wednesday. I’m not gonna lie to you I did it with serious swagger in under 60 seconds (whoop whoooop!!), there were bets placed that I wouldn’t even be able to do 5 shots and my triumphant response within the 7 minutes before the real aftermath begun when I was still glowing with pride was SUCK ON THAT!!

And thats when It HIT me, I started to suddenly burn up and had the extreme desire to run around in front of the house in muddy fields with no shoes on because I was really hot, only the fact that my vision suddenly became impaired meant that it was more like rocking with the motions of the wind, leading me to roll on the floor several times (If the sober me had seen the drunk me I would have received a slap).

Then at pre-drinks the fact that my best friend is going to another university in 5 months lead me to have an emotional breakdown were I cried incessantly for 35 minutes begging her not to leave, smearing my make-up in the process and moving me to number 1 on the scale of most embarrassing melt downs, coupled with the fact that I fell down on a porcupine and screamed that hedgehogs (yes I meant hedgehogs plural) were attacking me in view of at least 50 sane people. (You can see that at this point I was really on a roll and was just getting into my stride)

Just about managing to get into the club without being barred, I then decided to hump the leg of Bobby the bad boy  only to rush into the nearest cubicle to release all that vodka goodness in my stomach. I was somehow able to escape the clutches of my friends who were monitoring me like hawks as they feared that I would need my stomach to be pumped and bought spring rolls from the Chinese takeaway, rushed home, threw up some more, brushed my teeth, reapplied my make-up only to return to the club at 2:15 am to be hailed a legend for my troubles.

In the end I got a good reputation, got a date with Jay, had a fight with Bobby who was jealous of me flirting with Jay and stormed home somewhat less victorious at 4 am after being called a ‘slag’ twice.

I woke up late in the day with a mop bucket full of only God knows what, a text from a potential mate, and paralysed with bruises on the  right half of my body, only for me to crawl into my kitchen to be greeted with the scene of my cleaner getting drunk on the job.

Is this life!!

N xx

Love Autopsy

Love autopsyBonjour Mes Cheries,

So I recently started University, it just so happens that I left an all girls Catholic school to be thrown into a jungle where the ratio is 65% boys to 35% girls (that shit cray). I was actually looking forward to the endless bounty of hot men I could capture being a desirable girl myself, boy was I wrong all I’ve had is countless failed endeavours where I’ve seemed to be the more detached party in most cases. My mum always says that after every failed interaction you should do a post-mortem to figure out why it went wrong, so here you have my very own love autopsy (in chronological order of course).

Damian- The first guy I got with who was also my new best friend  he poured his heart out to me whilst he was sober and I was drunk… naturally it didn’t go the way he expected I guess as I had the giggles and laughed in his face (oops :(). From then on we had a solid friendship with a lot of hanky panky, but two recent alcohol fuelled arguments have left our friendly relationship in a very precarious situation.

Jake- A friend of a friend who preyed on me when I was in a vulnerable state (i.e. pisssssed) I told him that it would never happen again but this boy has more tenacity than Tenacious D, so I allow him to entertain me when boredom strikes.

Parker- In a moment of severe stupidity I got with him, knowing that he was the jealous type and ignoring the fact that I had already been with his close friend Jake a mere week before (a recipe for bloody disaster!!). After our one night together he decided that we had broken the boundaries of casual friendship and has made me feel very awkward ever since ,he somehow thought it would be appropriate to accuse me of cheating on him while I was living la vida loca in a club on a night out #whythegrounddidn’tswallowmeupthenandthereIdon’tknow

Drake- So then comes along Drake who is my mutual link to Jake and Parker decided that he would get a slice of the action, I spent just 20 minutes dancing with him in a club and I was apparently so mesmerising that he thought sending me a message saying ‘Up for a bang?…offer expires soon’ would make me swoon- IT DID NOT

Bobby- The one guy that has actually made a real impression on me Bobby, a tall, dark and handsome when smiling muscular rugby boy!! Me fancying the athletic types and loving that buff physique was almost instantly under his spell, excusing the fact that he is a womaniser who is also infatuated with his own reflection. We would constantly flirt and try to outsmart each other by playing games to make the other submit without looking needy. Well that all came to an abrupt end, when he decided that I wasn’t worth getting to know as a person but he wanted me to just spread my legs for him, when I replied that I wasn’t a cheap slut he wasn’t very impressed (his Loss not mine).

Blake- My bed buddy, one of my flatmates who I loved liked like a brother ( that makes it sound incestuous) it was more like a really close friendship. We had been up together till 5 am and I couldn’t be bothered to go upstairs to my bed so we had our first sleepover. It was all kosher after that until the next time when he said that he knew I had friend zoned him but what the hell he would try his luck anyway, so as usual I gave into his advances thinking ‘why not?’ and know we’re in a stage of quandary as neither of us want to ‘catch feelings’ (that always sounds like its an infectious strain of swine flu) so we’ve made a pact to go back to being strictly friends, yet one thing always seems to lead to another so who knows?

Jay- Unfortunately It just didn’t click, unlike all the other rogue traders I’ve come across Jay was the best in terms of interest, he genuinely wanted to know me, N. He got my number in a club and texted me constantly to ask how I was and to find out what I liked and what my life was like so that he could fit into it, but It just wasn’t right for me so I cut my losses after one disastrous date with him.

Lyle- A gorgeous guy on my course who I’ve come across on many an occasion, our first interaction was when he told me that he really wanted to ‘fuck a black girl’ (don’t worry that’s not what grabbed my attention as I reminded him of it when he was sober and he was absolutely mortified, bless him). We had a close encounter which nearly left me nude in public as he was trying to pull me and engaged in some pretty frisky dancing. But I fancy him so he’s still on the list of potential suitors #watchthisspace

So there you have it, my account of my interactions with the opposite sex as of late,

I think its time to change the game plan,

N xx